Not pregnant.

It’s funny how you can not realise how much you want something until it happens or the thought of it happens. Although we would like more children, I have not felt ready for another child after having such a bad experience with my first pregnancy. The idea of making that step has felt like such a scary idea. 

Yet here I am. Disappointed that I am not pregnant. Disheartened that my body tricked me or worse that I lost something before I could even celebrate it’s existence. 

About two months ago I completely missed my period and while we are not trying to convince, I knew that no method of contraception is a 100% effective. Something we have never been concerned with as we would always welcome a baby. At first I thought I was just late and then I wondered if it was hormones but it never came. 

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew I was pregnant right away but while I didn’t feel pregnant, I was having some of the same symptoms I had with her. Firstly, I had spotting. That’s something unusual for me and my first thought was pregnancy. I was exhausted, in fact, I said to my husband that I had not been this exhausted  since had been pregnant. I was nauseous, something I suffer with often anyway but it was pretty extreme nausea that hit at the same time every day. I had stomach cramps and was ridiculously emotional. Like crying during children’s TV emotional! Anyway the list goes on but you get the idea. Something felt off in my body. So while I didn’t feel pregnant, I knew that every pregnancy is different and maybe I wasn’t going to have that “feeling”. 

I decided about a 10 days after my missed period to take a pregnancy test. By this point I was pretty excited at the idea that I could be pregnant. I knew if I was that far along, I would have a pretty blazing positive, so I didn’t bother about waiting until morning. I was so nervous and excited. I didn’t tell my husband I was doing the test so that I could surprise him with it. However there was no positive. 

I instantly felt upset. Seeing a negative after feeling like I could be pregnant was devastating. I told my husband and I tried to put it out my mind. I kept having strange cramping in my stomach but still no period. I also still had all these strange symptoms and I was still incredibly emotional. I knew some women had to get a blood test to show pregnancy so I planned to phone the doctor if my period didn’t show up within the following month. 

A couple more weeks passed by and I finally bled. Although it wasn’t my normal period. It was very different and that’s when I wondered if maybe I had been pregnant but it wasn’t viable. After a couple of weeks or so, I started to feel more normal again. When I spoke to my mum about it, she also thinks I may have been pregnant but regardless of whether I was or wasn’t, I still feel sad that I am not. I feel sad that my body and mind convinced my that I was.

In a funny turn of events, I found out my sister is pregnant! I could not be happier for her but I must admit that I have a pang in my heart. It would have been wonderful to have shared this journey with her. I’m so excited to be an aunt though and I look forward to when we do have our next child. 

In some ways it has been a blessing as I have been so torn about our next child. Maybe I needed to go through this experience to realise that I am ready or that regardless of my first pregnancy, I would still cherish my next without any fear. God has a funny way of answering your fears and maybe this was the overall quieting that my heart needed. Maybe I’m ready to try for another baby now. We’ll just need to wait and see what happens next. 

Wife and mother, x

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Stressed out!

So as I mentioned in a previous post, I have been feeling really stressed lately. There are quite a few different things going on to make me feel this way and I guess what they all truly boil down to is the unknown and uncontrollable.

I received a letter to tell me I was being listed for jury duty, which I responded to explaining I was still breastfeeding my daughter and that I was her full time carer with no nursery/childminder/family to help should I be called. I hadn’t heard anything back for months, until I received a citation for a court date! I was in shear panic for a week until it was resolved. I had no one to leave my daughter with and even if I had, she is not used to being away from me and she still feeds on demand. Thankfully I called them up and it turns out it was a mistake and they fully understood why I would not be able to do it but that time of worry was horrible. I was scared they wouldn’t care and I would have to fight my corner to protect my child’s welfare.

Then the whole next baby dilemma is starting to take a toll on me too. My husband asked when we would start trying for another baby a few weeks ago and I would like more children but after my first experience, I am terrified. Not of pregnancy, even though it wasn’t easy. Amazingly, not of labour itself as although I know I have a decision to make (vbac vs C-section), I feel that is a fairly common decision to face. 

I’m afraid because I had something called a lumber puncture which basically means when I received my epidural, the needle went in too far and poked a hole in my spine. Ouch! I slowly leaked spinal fluid which resulted in me being in hospital for a week after my daughter was born, where I felt completely isolated and didn’t feel like I received decent care. It’s crazy how one week can stick in your mind so strongly.

I turned down a blood patch which could have resolved the leaking with the advice I was given at the time (for the record, I’m not advising either way). It then took me around 6 months of recovery before I was properly mobile again and I had spent almost 3 months of that completely immobile, unable to do a lot of the care for my baby myself. Which in turn was not good for my mental health as I had been so desperate for this child and now I was watching someone else care for her. Being so immobile also isolated me from other mums as I literally could not go out and meet any. 

It’s been an incredibly long road to where I am now and while my doctor tells me the chances of it happening again are no greater than anyone else’s chances…I just think but what if it did? I just can’t go through it again or worse!

I believe we are given what we can handle in life and I have survived this hurdle but truly this past year I have felt pretty broken. I guess I’m scared that it would be harder to pick up the pieces 2nd time around. I hope that my thoughts will settle and I can find some peace so I can feel in a position to try for another baby soon. Until then, I guess I’ll keep stressing!

Wife and mother, x

P.s please don’t read this and be afraid of epidurals, as lumber punctures are very rare, I was just unlucky. Although, I am not advertising having an epidural either. Always make your own decisions based on your own research.

11 months old!

I can’t believe my little girl is 11 months old today! I can see her learning and developing all the time which is pretty amazing, it’s so wonderful to watch. She is happily standing anywhere and everywhere now so I think it’s only a matter of time before she starts to walk. It’s so adorable watching her stand, she seems far too tiny to be doing such a big girl thing!

Although along with my daughter turning 11 months is the reality that I am now 11 months postpartum which made me give myself a bit of a shake today. I haven’t been happy with my stomach since I gave birth and I feel enough is enough!

I actually only put on a tiny bit weight during my pregnancy as I was very sick, so I think I almost assumed that between breastfeeding and being on my feet all day then my little mummy pouch (which is where I gained) would take care of itself. Well it hasn’t…infact I think I put on weight with extra snacking! There’s that whole attitude when presented with a snack of “well I’m breastfeeding…” Argh, why do I do it to myself? I am by no means saying you shouldn’t eat snacks while breastfeeding though as it’s so important to fuel yourself but I feel I took it a little too far and suddenly it was just an excuse to eat. 

Well no more! If I’m not happy about my stomach then only one person can fix it and that’s me!

I have downloaded a running app and agreed to join an exercise class with my sister. I felt there was no time like the present so off I went for a run today with the buggy and dog. It was actually surprising easy! Running with the pram and dog that is. It was day one of running, so I couldn’t expect to be back to my prepregnancy fitness right away but I’m sure I’ll get there!
I guess it’s just very on my mind that I want to be feeling good about myself before I plan on getting pregnant again. I’d like to feel confident and attractive which I just don’t at the moment. I also want to be the healthiest that I can be so some physical exercise would definitely help with that. I know I should love myself regardless and I generally do which is probably why it has taken me until now to do something about it.

Hopefully I’ll start feeling healthier and notice a difference soon! 

Wife and mother, x

Baby planning?

We are probably not the only couple out there that struggle with knowing what sort of age gap we would like to aim for between our children.

We both come from big families although there is a small gap between siblings on my husband’s side and a larger gap on mine. This makes it a little harder as we have seen both the pros and cons of the different gaps.

We originally thought we would aim for a two year age gap between our children but looking at our almost 11 month old baby, it makes me wonder if we really would want to be trying for another so quickly? Will another 5 months make all the difference?

I will need to explain my pregnancy/labour/postpartum in another blog as it’s too much too write here. Long story short, I had a very sick pregnancy with complications during labour followed with a very slow recovery afterwards. I think the whole experience has left me a little afraid of being in the same position again. I definitely want more children but there is now a… what if?

I know realistically that I may be absolutely fine during my next pregnancy; feel ravenous and grow nicely however there is that little voice in the back of my mind… what if I am just as sick next time around and I would have a toddler to look after too! How on earth would I cope?

There are still some questions I need answered when it comes to my options next time around in regards to delivery and pain relief however again realistically it should be alright since the odds are the same thing will not happen again…but what if it did? To be so immobile for so long afterwards or to potentially be in a worse position?

I guess I’ll know when I’m ready, regardless of the timescale we like. I suppose I’m just concerned that I let my fears get the better of me and end up putting it off; not because I am not ready but because I am afraid. 

I would love to hear what age gaps others have had and how they feel it works for them. Also if you had an unpleasant experience with a pregnancy/labour, how did you manage your fears next time around?

Wife and mother, x