Mind in overload!

Life has been pretty crazy as of late which has been magnified by the fact that both my daughter and I have had a cold that has well and truly outstayed its welcome! Our to do list is longer than the length of me and while I may be short…that’s still pretty long! It just feels like we are just managing to keep our heads above water with daily chores. I’m sure things will calm down once we are feeling better and although the list will still be rediculously long, we will be at least working on it. 

My husband and I bought our house a few years ago and while there was nothing  needing done to it; there were a few things we would have liked to have renewed or made our own. I was thinking about the jobs that we intended on doing earlier today and then looked at what we had accomplished… not a lot! Not that we are lazy but there is just always something more important to be doing or a better way for us to spend our money. It has left me feeling a little blue tonight though, as I just don’t know where to find the time. I have paint cans sitting waiting to be used but by the time our day is in full swing, I just don’t know where I would slot it painting a wall, let alone a room. 

Anyway I don’t want to throw myself a pitty party, so I’ll stop! 

It has been such a wonderful time with our daughter. She is growing so fast and I can hardly take my eyes off her for a second. For two reasons, one – she is such a monkey and two – she is just too cute! Her understanding is just incredible and I spend the day saying, “how amazing is she?!” to my husband, who of course can’t help but agree.

She is so steady on her feet now which has resulted in a desire to walk everywhere. I don’t mind too much but it can be tiring if we get so far and she decides that she wants to be carried but equally our buggy is hard to push while trying to keep hold of her so often I risk it. I am looking forward to when I can use the reins properly as I think that would definitely help!

Animal obsession doesn’t even cover it for this girl! We love to play, what does the (insert animal here) say? Her knowledge of animals grows constantly and I love listening to her make all the different noises and signs. 

Signing is coming along steadily too. She doesn’t know many yet but she is using a few everyday now. Things like, animals, milk and bed are among the most used. I think that now she is getting older it will probably get easier to teach her.

In other news, I still have babies on the brain! After that whole, was I pregnant thing, I must admit that I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t feel as sad now. I was so weepy for a couple of weeks but now I feel more level headed about it and while I am still disappointed, I know that everything happens for a reason. My husband and I were planning on trying again next year but I just don’t know if I can wait that long. It has definitely become a huge topic of conversation in our household. I still worry about having too small an age gap between children though and I worry about breastfeeding…would I have to “cut her off” so to speak?

Have you experienced breastfeeding during pregnancy? How did you manage? Also did you continue to do feeds for your older child while nursing your newborn? My mind is in overload trying to consider everything!

Wife and mother, x

Not pregnant.

It’s funny how you can not realise how much you want something until it happens or the thought of it happens. Although we would like more children, I have not felt ready for another child after having such a bad experience with my first pregnancy. The idea of making that step has felt like such a scary idea. 

Yet here I am. Disappointed that I am not pregnant. Disheartened that my body tricked me or worse that I lost something before I could even celebrate it’s existence. 

About two months ago I completely missed my period and while we are not trying to convince, I knew that no method of contraception is a 100% effective. Something we have never been concerned with as we would always welcome a baby. At first I thought I was just late and then I wondered if it was hormones but it never came. 

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew I was pregnant right away but while I didn’t feel pregnant, I was having some of the same symptoms I had with her. Firstly, I had spotting. That’s something unusual for me and my first thought was pregnancy. I was exhausted, in fact, I said to my husband that I had not been this exhausted  since had been pregnant. I was nauseous, something I suffer with often anyway but it was pretty extreme nausea that hit at the same time every day. I had stomach cramps and was ridiculously emotional. Like crying during children’s TV emotional! Anyway the list goes on but you get the idea. Something felt off in my body. So while I didn’t feel pregnant, I knew that every pregnancy is different and maybe I wasn’t going to have that “feeling”. 

I decided about a 10 days after my missed period to take a pregnancy test. By this point I was pretty excited at the idea that I could be pregnant. I knew if I was that far along, I would have a pretty blazing positive, so I didn’t bother about waiting until morning. I was so nervous and excited. I didn’t tell my husband I was doing the test so that I could surprise him with it. However there was no positive. 

I instantly felt upset. Seeing a negative after feeling like I could be pregnant was devastating. I told my husband and I tried to put it out my mind. I kept having strange cramping in my stomach but still no period. I also still had all these strange symptoms and I was still incredibly emotional. I knew some women had to get a blood test to show pregnancy so I planned to phone the doctor if my period didn’t show up within the following month. 

A couple more weeks passed by and I finally bled. Although it wasn’t my normal period. It was very different and that’s when I wondered if maybe I had been pregnant but it wasn’t viable. After a couple of weeks or so, I started to feel more normal again. When I spoke to my mum about it, she also thinks I may have been pregnant but regardless of whether I was or wasn’t, I still feel sad that I am not. I feel sad that my body and mind convinced my that I was.

In a funny turn of events, I found out my sister is pregnant! I could not be happier for her but I must admit that I have a pang in my heart. It would have been wonderful to have shared this journey with her. I’m so excited to be an aunt though and I look forward to when we do have our next child. 

In some ways it has been a blessing as I have been so torn about our next child. Maybe I needed to go through this experience to realise that I am ready or that regardless of my first pregnancy, I would still cherish my next without any fear. God has a funny way of answering your fears and maybe this was the overall quieting that my heart needed. Maybe I’m ready to try for another baby now. We’ll just need to wait and see what happens next. 

Wife and mother, x

Welcome to the world baby girl!

We have a beautiful new addition to our extended family and we have been desperate to meet her! So this week we went on a trip to see her and the new parents. We were really excited to see what our daughter would make of this tiny little baby, as although she has seen some young babies, she hasn’t really seen a newborn before.

It was so funny to see a newborn, even for us, you forget how tiny they are! Watching our daughter next to her made us realise that yes, she is definitely not a baby anymore and also just amazed that she was once that small! She looked huge by comparison. It was also funny to see parents back at the beginning journey, those first few weeks of finding your feet and adjusting to the change in sleep (or lack of). 

They were doing such a great job, they seemed relaxed and happy which was just lovely to see as we have been so excited for them. I would have loved a cuddle but hubby and I had agreed before we went that we wouldn’t overload the new arrival. We remembered what it was like at the start. A stream of visitors all desperate to have a hold (which is lovely, don’t get me wrong) but we also remember days where our child had been overwhelmed by all the new people and we had an awful nights sleep as a consequence. Now maybe that was just our experience but we had been warned of that very thing from our midwife and sure enough, it happened. Next time we go we will definitely accept a good cuddle though as she’ll be that bit further along and more used to the world. 

It was interesting seeing the baby for me as although I was so happy to meet her, I don’t think I felt broody… which is a completely new experience for me as before my daughter, all I could see were babies and I was desperate for my own. I decided that it probably answers the question of when we have our next child. Here my husband and I were planning age gaps but I think that I want to feel broody again. I want to feel that desperate desire for a baby so that if we are blessed with another then I am the most excited I could be for that new life. Not that I wouldn’t love another child if it were to happen now, as of course I would love my child. I suppose I’m saying I’d like to feel truly ready for another when we make that decision to try, rather than making it based on time. 

I’m probably getting ahead of myself though, our daughter is only a year old! Although I really liked realising just how content I am with our little family. Our special little unit. 

Wife and mother, x

11 months old!

I can’t believe my little girl is 11 months old today! I can see her learning and developing all the time which is pretty amazing, it’s so wonderful to watch. She is happily standing anywhere and everywhere now so I think it’s only a matter of time before she starts to walk. It’s so adorable watching her stand, she seems far too tiny to be doing such a big girl thing!

Although along with my daughter turning 11 months is the reality that I am now 11 months postpartum which made me give myself a bit of a shake today. I haven’t been happy with my stomach since I gave birth and I feel enough is enough!

I actually only put on a tiny bit weight during my pregnancy as I was very sick, so I think I almost assumed that between breastfeeding and being on my feet all day then my little mummy pouch (which is where I gained) would take care of itself. Well it hasn’t…infact I think I put on weight with extra snacking! There’s that whole attitude when presented with a snack of “well I’m breastfeeding…” Argh, why do I do it to myself? I am by no means saying you shouldn’t eat snacks while breastfeeding though as it’s so important to fuel yourself but I feel I took it a little too far and suddenly it was just an excuse to eat. 

Well no more! If I’m not happy about my stomach then only one person can fix it and that’s me!

I have downloaded a running app and agreed to join an exercise class with my sister. I felt there was no time like the present so off I went for a run today with the buggy and dog. It was actually surprising easy! Running with the pram and dog that is. It was day one of running, so I couldn’t expect to be back to my prepregnancy fitness right away but I’m sure I’ll get there!
I guess it’s just very on my mind that I want to be feeling good about myself before I plan on getting pregnant again. I’d like to feel confident and attractive which I just don’t at the moment. I also want to be the healthiest that I can be so some physical exercise would definitely help with that. I know I should love myself regardless and I generally do which is probably why it has taken me until now to do something about it.

Hopefully I’ll start feeling healthier and notice a difference soon! 

Wife and mother, x

Baby planning?

We are probably not the only couple out there that struggle with knowing what sort of age gap we would like to aim for between our children.

We both come from big families although there is a small gap between siblings on my husband’s side and a larger gap on mine. This makes it a little harder as we have seen both the pros and cons of the different gaps.

We originally thought we would aim for a two year age gap between our children but looking at our almost 11 month old baby, it makes me wonder if we really would want to be trying for another so quickly? Will another 5 months make all the difference?

I will need to explain my pregnancy/labour/postpartum in another blog as it’s too much too write here. Long story short, I had a very sick pregnancy with complications during labour followed with a very slow recovery afterwards. I think the whole experience has left me a little afraid of being in the same position again. I definitely want more children but there is now a… what if?

I know realistically that I may be absolutely fine during my next pregnancy; feel ravenous and grow nicely however there is that little voice in the back of my mind… what if I am just as sick next time around and I would have a toddler to look after too! How on earth would I cope?

There are still some questions I need answered when it comes to my options next time around in regards to delivery and pain relief however again realistically it should be alright since the odds are the same thing will not happen again…but what if it did? To be so immobile for so long afterwards or to potentially be in a worse position?

I guess I’ll know when I’m ready, regardless of the timescale we like. I suppose I’m just concerned that I let my fears get the better of me and end up putting it off; not because I am not ready but because I am afraid. 

I would love to hear what age gaps others have had and how they feel it works for them. Also if you had an unpleasant experience with a pregnancy/labour, how did you manage your fears next time around?

Wife and mother, x