Not pregnant.

It’s funny how you can not realise how much you want something until it happens or the thought of it happens. Although we would like more children, I have not felt ready for another child after having such a bad experience with my first pregnancy. The idea of making that step has felt like such a scary idea. 

Yet here I am. Disappointed that I am not pregnant. Disheartened that my body tricked me or worse that I lost something before I could even celebrate it’s existence. 

About two months ago I completely missed my period and while we are not trying to convince, I knew that no method of contraception is a 100% effective. Something we have never been concerned with as we would always welcome a baby. At first I thought I was just late and then I wondered if it was hormones but it never came. 

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew I was pregnant right away but while I didn’t feel pregnant, I was having some of the same symptoms I had with her. Firstly, I had spotting. That’s something unusual for me and my first thought was pregnancy. I was exhausted, in fact, I said to my husband that I had not been this exhausted  since had been pregnant. I was nauseous, something I suffer with often anyway but it was pretty extreme nausea that hit at the same time every day. I had stomach cramps and was ridiculously emotional. Like crying during children’s TV emotional! Anyway the list goes on but you get the idea. Something felt off in my body. So while I didn’t feel pregnant, I knew that every pregnancy is different and maybe I wasn’t going to have that “feeling”. 

I decided about a 10 days after my missed period to take a pregnancy test. By this point I was pretty excited at the idea that I could be pregnant. I knew if I was that far along, I would have a pretty blazing positive, so I didn’t bother about waiting until morning. I was so nervous and excited. I didn’t tell my husband I was doing the test so that I could surprise him with it. However there was no positive. 

I instantly felt upset. Seeing a negative after feeling like I could be pregnant was devastating. I told my husband and I tried to put it out my mind. I kept having strange cramping in my stomach but still no period. I also still had all these strange symptoms and I was still incredibly emotional. I knew some women had to get a blood test to show pregnancy so I planned to phone the doctor if my period didn’t show up within the following month. 

A couple more weeks passed by and I finally bled. Although it wasn’t my normal period. It was very different and that’s when I wondered if maybe I had been pregnant but it wasn’t viable. After a couple of weeks or so, I started to feel more normal again. When I spoke to my mum about it, she also thinks I may have been pregnant but regardless of whether I was or wasn’t, I still feel sad that I am not. I feel sad that my body and mind convinced my that I was.

In a funny turn of events, I found out my sister is pregnant! I could not be happier for her but I must admit that I have a pang in my heart. It would have been wonderful to have shared this journey with her. I’m so excited to be an aunt though and I look forward to when we do have our next child. 

In some ways it has been a blessing as I have been so torn about our next child. Maybe I needed to go through this experience to realise that I am ready or that regardless of my first pregnancy, I would still cherish my next without any fear. God has a funny way of answering your fears and maybe this was the overall quieting that my heart needed. Maybe I’m ready to try for another baby now. We’ll just need to wait and see what happens next. 

Wife and mother, x

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