Stressed out!

So as I mentioned in a previous post, I have been feeling really stressed lately. There are quite a few different things going on to make me feel this way and I guess what they all truly boil down to is the unknown and uncontrollable.

I received a letter to tell me I was being listed for jury duty, which I responded to explaining I was still breastfeeding my daughter and that I was her full time carer with no nursery/childminder/family to help should I be called. I hadn’t heard anything back for months, until I received a citation for a court date! I was in shear panic for a week until it was resolved. I had no one to leave my daughter with and even if I had, she is not used to being away from me and she still feeds on demand. Thankfully I called them up and it turns out it was a mistake and they fully understood why I would not be able to do it but that time of worry was horrible. I was scared they wouldn’t care and I would have to fight my corner to protect my child’s welfare.

Then the whole next baby dilemma is starting to take a toll on me too. My husband asked when we would start trying for another baby a few weeks ago and I would like more children but after my first experience, I am terrified. Not of pregnancy, even though it wasn’t easy. Amazingly, not of labour itself as although I know I have a decision to make (vbac vs C-section), I feel that is a fairly common decision to face. 

I’m afraid because I had something called a lumber puncture which basically means when I received my epidural, the needle went in too far and poked a hole in my spine. Ouch! I slowly leaked spinal fluid which resulted in me being in hospital for a week after my daughter was born, where I felt completely isolated and didn’t feel like I received decent care. It’s crazy how one week can stick in your mind so strongly.

I turned down a blood patch which could have resolved the leaking with the advice I was given at the time (for the record, I’m not advising either way). It then took me around 6 months of recovery before I was properly mobile again and I had spent almost 3 months of that completely immobile, unable to do a lot of the care for my baby myself. Which in turn was not good for my mental health as I had been so desperate for this child and now I was watching someone else care for her. Being so immobile also isolated me from other mums as I literally could not go out and meet any. 

It’s been an incredibly long road to where I am now and while my doctor tells me the chances of it happening again are no greater than anyone else’s chances…I just think but what if it did? I just can’t go through it again or worse!

I believe we are given what we can handle in life and I have survived this hurdle but truly this past year I have felt pretty broken. I guess I’m scared that it would be harder to pick up the pieces 2nd time around. I hope that my thoughts will settle and I can find some peace so I can feel in a position to try for another baby soon. Until then, I guess I’ll keep stressing!

Wife and mother, x

P.s please don’t read this and be afraid of epidurals, as lumber punctures are very rare, I was just unlucky. Although, I am not advertising having an epidural either. Always make your own decisions based on your own research.

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2 thoughts on “Stressed out!

  1. I am so sorry that you went through that. 😥 I was traumatized by a complication as well. I had a spinal block just before my cesarean with baby #4 (I hadn’t already had an epidural during labor) and even though it worked well at the time, I ended up leaking spinal fluid and had to come back to the hospital at 4 days postpartum due to MASSIVE, crippling pain in my head unless I was lying down. I was advised to get the blood patch, though I wouldn’t have been able to if my platelets hadn’t been high enough (they were low during the pregnancy). Well, I had the procedure done and it was so freaky. I won’t give all the details but it left me feeling very much shaken and almost abused (even though no one did anything specifically wrong to me). 😥 Ten weeks later, I feel upset thinking about it.
    Anyway, the procedure worked and the pain went away completely. I was told not to bend and to avoid picking up anything but very light things and my not-so-light baby (lol) for at least two weeks. I was SO scared during those weeks that I would somehow do something that made the blood patch necessary to have done again, but thankfully that didn’t happen.
    The original anesthesiologist from my c-section actually called me the day after the blood patch to apologize, see how I was, and to say that he’d performed about 7,000 spinal blocks in his career and I made only the second or third to have this complication. Great…aren’t we lucky? 😛

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    • I’m sorry to hear your story too! Sounds like we were in the same boat 😦 yes, that headache was like no other! I also had terrible pain in my neck and the light bothered my eyes something awful but I also found lying flat gave me relief which is why I was so immobile. I think I was too overwhelmed and sore to understand the anesthesiologist fully when he gave my options and I sometimes wonder how different things would have been if I had just accepted the blood patch but there is no point thinking like that now. I don’t think either option is attractive. I just pray that next time around everything goes smoothly… You’re right we are very lucky ladies!

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