Let me just begin by saying, I love being a mother and even more than that, I love that I am able to be a stay at home mummy.
Now while I am incredibly happy with the decision that my husband and I have made, I sometimes, just sometimes, feel a little empty. This doubt of who I am now.
It’s hard to explain as I do feel very fulfilled as a mother and I am very thankful for this precious time but I also feel like there is this small part of me that has lost its identity. My life now doesn’t look anything like it did before and neither do I. Surely I am not the only one out there that feels this way? I don’t know if it’s because of the pigeonhole that you are suddenly pushed into by society when you become a mother. It’s like you are suddenly seen as just that and nothing else; especially as a stay at home mummy. I am so much more.
I happily call myself a stay at home mum, as of course that is exactly what I am however I have not lost any of the skills or knowledge that I had before I gave birth nor have I lost my sense of humor or desire to socialise. I may be slightly more distracted, have an earlier bedtime and
perhaps definitely don’t look as well groomed as I used to but I still feel like I have a lot to contribute. Or at least somewhere deep down I feel that way.
Perhaps it is a fear of not being valued as much as a woman who is not only a mother but also a hard working woman. I take my hat off to my fellow mothers who not only raise their beautiful babies but also work hard to help support them. Two difficult jobs that must be tricky to manage. Maybe it is partly the respect that I have for working mothers that makes me question myself more. They also have two identities. One being their mummy hat and the other is their career hat; what ever that may be.
I sometimes wonder if I am not considered as much fun now that I am a mother. With limitations that I can’t avoid, it means that I do miss out on things I ordinarily wouldn’t have. Even my siblings don’t include me the same way anymore; knowing I would have my baby to consider. It is things like this that reiterates the question even further. Who am I now?
I don’t even look the same anymore. Perhaps people might only notice my more messy appearance but I see all the things underneath too. I see my tired eyes, the stretch marks and left over baby tummy. My hair always seems to be in a handy ponytail and make up is minimal. I wear clothes I used to and they just don’t seem to fit the way they had before. I don’t suit them anymore and not just size wise. My outfits are far more practical, especially since I need to take into account ease for breastfeeding. It is also impossible to make it to the end of the day without being covered in some kind of goo!
If I don’t work, don’t have the same social life and am almost unrecognisable to myself then what is left of the me before baby? This question of self eats away at me in my darkest moments and I feel this overwhelming confusion of who I am. Am I really just a mum? Am I seen as anything more?
Well here is what I tell myself… Being a mother is one of the toughest jobs out there and being a stay at home mother is a full time, 24hr a day, no holiday and no break job. It is hard and challenging but also wonderful. The moments that make up the long day can be full of tears and tantrums but mostly full of joy and laughter. The shear exhaustion I feel is because of how energetic and fun my day is running around after my daughter.
I guess I just need to adjust to how I see myself in my new role as a stay at home mummy and know that even though I only have the one “job”, it is one to not only to treasure but be proud of. I may not have the same social life but I am enjoying a new chapter with new friends and while I may not look the same as I did, I will learn to love myself now; it may just take a little time. Importantly, I am not any less of a person by being a stay at home mummy and even if I was viewed as just a mother by other people, who cares? Is it so bad if people see me as only a mother? I have one of the most important jobs around. I am doing the best I can.
Wife and Mother, x
Daily prompt : Empty